I didn’t grow up dreaming of a fancy wedding with a Cinderella-type wedding dress. I didn’t have my colors already picked out and I didn’t know what kinds of flowers I’d want. I didn’t imagine what contraption would hold my jordan almonds or what my invitations would look like. Until recently, I had never even flipped through a wedding magazine. “Until recently” being the key phrase there.
I got engaged last month, and although we’re not getting married until July 2012, the planning has already begun. I can see why women get all bridezilla. It’s a lot to think about, and the sad truth is that the bride does about 99% of the planning, leaving the groom to rent his tux and say “yes” or “no” to key decisions (the result of many hours of research on the bride’s part). Having to pay for the entire wedding on our own is also an added stressor.
I had never wanted a big wedding with tons of people. I get mild anxiety attacks at parties with more than 20 people. Having to host a wedding reception with 175 people (more than two-thirds of whom are from the groom’s side) will be an interesting task. Maybe I’ll ask the doctor for some muscle relaxers and breeze through the day half out of my mind like Molly Ringwald’s sister Ginny in Sixteen Candles. Classic.
I’m different perhaps than some other women because I wasn’t raised to want marriage and children. It was never presented to me as an important or special thing to do in my life. My mother pushed (quite strongly) education and independence. It was more important in her eyes that I go to college, get a good job and support myself, and not rely on a man to take care of me. And while I know it was all done with my best interest at heart, perhaps her anti-marriage sentiments were more a result of a less-than-perfect marriage to a man she financially relied on for many years. Translation: She didn’t want me to be like her.
It wasn’t until after I reached my 30s with a successful career, my own home, traveling frequently, and feeling financially secure that my mother started to ask about my plans to get married and have children. You see, she changed her tune a bit. Now that I had proven I could stand on my own two feet, she was concerned that there wouldn’t be another pair standing next to me, ever. Maybe she thought I enjoyed being on my own too much, which I did and still do. Me being an only child from a small family that’s not close, I think she also began to worry that after they (my parents) die, I would be left alone. It makes me sad to think that she thinks about that. I guess getting older does that to you.
Sometimes I think about what I would teach my own daughters and how I would raise them. Like my mother, I would want them to be educated and independent, but I would also want them to see the value of marriage and children and family life. Nothing is ever perfect, and there will always be ups and downs, good times and bad. It’s worth the risk if it’s the right person. That’s something I had to learn on my own.
I’ve known my fiancé for 10 years. I know his every little quirk and imperfection. I know that he has a good heart and loves me. I know that he will be there for me and our future children when we need him. I know all this because I have taken the time to get to know him and his family. I understand where (and who) he’s coming from and where he plans to go. It’s important. There are far too many people who jump into marriage too quickly and want to back out a year (or less) down the road. There are also too many people who get married when the time just isn’t right. Now, I’m not suggesting everyone wait 10 years to marry someone. Our situation is unique. We had dated for three years, broken up for five and have since been back together for two. Had we gotten married after those first three years, I believe we would have been supremely unhappy. The timing just wasn’t right. I was in a terrible job that left me drained and angry and quick to snap, and he was starting a new job that had him socializing with much younger people and joining in their partying ways. Our five-year break—during which we kept in constant contact—gave us both the opportunity to make important adjustments in our lives and we are both better for it. We needed to be apart to learn how to be better together again.
But enough of all that. In knitting news … I’m STILL working on the Chiton Pullover. My zeal for knitting has subsided. This happens around this time every year. I’m sure the wedding planning isn’t helping it any. I’m almost done though. Just need to finish up the back, sew the seams, et voilà—a top is born.
In motorcycle news … it’s still covered in the garage and waiting for a warm day.
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